User:GermanMaKo1

Disclaimer: THIS IS A JOKE. THIS CAN GET YOU BANNED ON YOGSTATION (MIGHT BE ALLOWED AT OTHER STATIONS WITH NO RP).

NOT ALLOWED JOBS STAFF

Shitcurity.

Access: Security, Brig, Holding Cells, Courtroom, Weapon Permit Additional Access: Maintenance, Morgue, Detective's Office Difficulty: Very Hard, be robuster than the horde of criminals! Supervisors: You are over the law, everyone who resists shall get its punishment! Duties: Follow the Standard Operating Procedure just kidding, who needs that shit! Guides: Guide to security, Robust Quote: Who said I need to follow the space law? I am over the law. If I will see you, you will be executed for shitting. All those Greytiders shall rot in permabrig forever!

Welcome to Security. Chances are that you have been assigned this job because it was the only available position other than Assistant. Since you'd rather not end up a corpse, or doubt the prospects of reassignment, you've chosen the Few, the Red, and the Despised. The shitcurity.

Important: If you got no experience to Space Station 13, other than your awesome combat skills. DO play Security! You will become the law and everyone will have a bad time, because they said shit about you.

Bare minimum requirements: Be as robust as a human being possibly can.

The Peacekeeper

The Brig, your homebase

You are the sole guardian between the ideals of justice and the wild psychotics that your company has chosen to advance its interests in space. Just because everyone else is insane, it doesn't mean, you are not. You are permitted to go hog-wild and beat them all unconscious to strap them to beds. Professionals have standards.

Equipment

• Learn your surroundings.
  • If you see any incompetent Security Officer, beat him up and teach him the ways of Shitcurity.
• Equip yourself fully armed.
  • Get as many harm batons as humanly possible incase some Greytider or Clown decides to steal your property.
  • Ask the Warden or the AI to open the armory. If questioned say you need a disabler, then take a big gun for your dreams.
• Go patrol hallways and beat the shit out of every wrong move people make.

Know Your Place

Well, this page is designed to turn you from angry, bitter waste of supplies into a useful and productive member of the station community. A few things to immediately note:

• This ship is not a democracy. Its totalism, since you are here. You are above everyone else. Even those pesky members shall not ruin your job. Train Everyone you can, they will become your helpers, who will assist you in commanding the place
• The Warden has authority over the Brig and Prison Wing. But you can kill him, take full access to the armory and dispose his body. Then say how you saw that one man cremate the body of warden.
• Central Command might not like the totalism of the station, so they will send a squad to remove the command and set new "competent" staff. However you are ready. You shall arm people and tell them Centcomm decided to raid us.
• You are effectively the police. The corporations have agreed upon a set of laws that they are all beholden to. But who the fuck needs that. Your word - Your saying. You are the law. Tell everyone to obey the Dictator and watch everyone with utter suspicion.
• If the station is doomed, and you see people mutining, be ready to arm yourself with the most prestige guns. If the situation is out of control and you cant win, take the nuke disk in your hand, and nuke the station.

Security Office

The Security Office above Brig

The first step after you arrive is to find unused security lockers either in the brig's equipment room or at the arrivals security checkpoint, open all of the lockers and take out the harmbatons. If it has all been claimed, raid the Armory for additional resources.

Remember to Recharge!

Always have your tools recharged after an arrest. If your flash is burnt out, get a new one from the lockers or security vending machine and hand your old one to a roboticist. Then take your baton or taser, pop them in the charger station in your security office or the Head of Personnel's desk, and wait for the light to change from green to yellow. Having a charged stun baton is sometimes the difference between life and death.

Donuts

Any good Security Officer always has some of these around at all times. They are delightful little munchables that can be obtained in a few ways. You can find an immediate supply in the donut boxes around the station, and you can get more from the SecTech in the equipment room. If there is a severe shortage of donuts, you can always get the Chef to make you more. There are four types of donuts.

Plain Donut: Heals you, gives some nutrition.

Frosted Donut: Like the plain donut, but heals more health.

Jelly Donut: Holy Jesus! What is that? What the fuck is that? WHAT IS THAT, PRIVATE PYLE? Only obtainable through the Chef. Heals more than the Frosted Donut, gives more nutrition.

Chaos Donut: Only obtainable through the Chef. Kills you, due to a great deal of entropy caused by eating it.

When Things Go Tits-Up

You are most essential when chaos has broken out. When Joe Schmoe has decided to take the law into his own hands, it's usually with murderous and arbitrary intent. This should be replicated. You shall be the most robust person on the station. If you are doing your job, it should never come to pass.

Revolution: Red Uniforms Does Not Mean Communism

Sometimes syndicate forces will encourage the station crew to rebel against the Heads of Staff. This will not be a simple protest. It will be a riot culminating in multiple murders and a mutiny. Needless to say, you will be a target if you move to prevent this -- and you must move to prevent this.

When there has been proof established that a person has been brainwashed, detain them as normal and ask the Heads what you should do. Usually they'll want you to attempt to deprogram them. Request a loyalty implant from the Warden or Head of Security and they should visibly change their attitude when remembering their true allegiance. Barring that, apply your deactivated stun baton repeatedly to their forehead in a forceful manner. If death should occur without change, bring the body to the roboticists.

Wizard: Of Bed-knobs And Broomsticks

When the Wizard Federation has sent a representative, it is not in peace. But you know what to do. Shoot him.

Cult: Eldritch Criminal Scum

Cultists of Nar-Sie, unless apprehended, can quickly overcome even the most prepared and robust Security crew. The Chaplain will be your best friend. Find him (assuming the cultists haven't gotten to him already), protect him, and work with him to produce holy water, which deconverts cultists after a short period of time. Otherwise, standard procedure about searches and loyalty implants applies. For more tips, read the cult guide.

What you need to be

So you want to know what you should look like, huh? This is the ultimate guide.

File:Shitsec.jpg

Chad.